To the Guy Who Loves Me Next

I don’t need anyone - if I’m with you, it’s because I want to be. If I’m with you, it’s because you make me want to take off, jumping beans in the pit of my stomach. If I’m with you, it’s because I know, with every fiber of my being that this is love. I don’t settle - not with a job, not in a place that doesn’t feel like home, not with friendships that aren’t lifting me up, and especially, especially not with love. 

Don’t be fooled - I don’t want a fairy tale. I’m sure of what I want because I’m sure of myself. I don’t care about being somebody’s, my love never breeds out of convenience because comfort isn’t happiness. Easy isn't satisfying. It's nice but it always leaves you wanting more.

I was alone for a while - I ate alone, I took myself on dates, I slept alone. I took those scary risks that made me grow. I’ve been down the darkest of paths, and fell back in love with myself. I learned about myself, and what I learned the most is that I will never fight hard to make anyone choose me again. I’ve learned that it’s really not the thought that counts. I’ve been with boys who weren’t ready, who claimed to love me with all their heart but as soon as they realized that I wasn’t easy, that love required effort, they were one foot out the door. 

So when you love me, you have to choose me everyday. If you want to be one foot out the door, if you think outside of that door is "more" - I won't try and stop you. If you don't see what's right in front of you - how a true connection is once in a lifetime, then you aren't worthy of my time. I'm not here to convince you. I'm not here to tell you you're making a mistake. I'm not here to make you stay.

It’s your actions that make you worthy of my love, not your desire for me. I won’t listen to your words - I’ll listen to your actions. Choosing me means being faithful when things get hard - when there’s uncertainty, doubt. I will love you in a way you have never been loved. I will never give you an almost. When I love, I love hard - and I’ll change your life. 

I have my scars - but I like who I am. I like my edges. I like my wrongness. I may be difficult, stubborn and raw. I’ll get angry and challenge you to be better. I have my trust issues but I promise, when I love you, I'll never do you wrong.

I’m not an easy person to love. But that’s because I know how to do it the right way. I know that love isn’t easy - setting, that’s easy. Mediocre, passionless relationships, they’re easy because there is no risk. Most people don’t want to have the deep conversations that make you question your beliefs and ideas. Most people don’t want to be confronted or challenged. Most people, they aren’t ready for something real. They want things easy.

But that’s not love. 

So when you love me, I won’t put up with not getting everything I deserve. Because I give and respect myself too much to be with someone who doesn’t choose me every day. So when you love me, I won't put up with any lies. I don't want a sugarcoated truth. To me, the unfiltered truth is so much more enticing, whatever it may be. I want the whole truth; I want your whole heart, I will love you and all your scars. Love is letting our scars fall in love. 

And if you don’t want to choose me, you can leave me. Because remember, I don’t need anyone - if I’m with you, it’s because I want to be. If your heart doesn’t yearn to enthusiastically choose me, you can leave. Because we’re going to fight - with two strong personalities there will always be fireworks. It will be hard, but you have to want to work at it, to choose me, to earn my trust, you have to want it - all of me, forever, everyday. 

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Anna Bashkova

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