My Life Would Be So Different If We Were Still Us

At first I was so angry at you. I hated you for what you did, and what you did to us. I hated you for ruining what we had, what we were building, what we could have build. I hated you for breaking my heart.

But then I was in pain because you weren’t there. I was angry that life had other plans and took you away from me. I was angry that you weren’t there to hold me, to wipe away my tears, to tell me I was beautiful when I needed to hear it most.

You were my anchor and my thrill. And when I lost you, I didn’t just lose us, I lost myself, too.

If we were still us, I’d still feel like my old self. My heart would still be unguarded. I wouldn’t be so scared of love -  because even though I hate to admit it, I am. When I would start to feel safe with someone, I wouldn’t question it. Because when love breaks into a million pieces, bringing out the darkest parts of people, you put up a shield. It’s a strong shield, preparing you for the worst. When you’ve seen what happens when fireworks combust, causing burns and confusion, you make a subconscious promise to yourself to never experience that again.

If we were still us, I’d still feel like a little kid. I’d still wake believing love conquers all. I wouldn’t be as jaded or as cynical about love, about life. I wouldn’t get close to people and have to fight the urge to not trust them. No matter how much I love someone, I’m incredibly uncomfortable letting them see my most vulnerable parts. I do it for protection.

If we were still us, I’d still have you, my home, the person to stay up all night talking about anything and everything with. The person who I can be my weirdest self with. The person who looks at me and makes me feel alive.

If we were still us, I’d had one more person that makes life worth it. I’d have someone I can wake up in the morning with, hair all big and messy, no makeup, morning breath and baggy t-shirt on, and still feel like my most beautiful self. Because the truth is, no matter how much you hurt me, there was a time when you made me feel like my best self on steroids. There was a time when you lifted me so high, that I forgot about troubles, or pain, or fear.

There was a time when you knew me and believed in me more than I believed and knew myself. When I was lost and confused, when I didn’t know what to do next, when I kept doubting myself, it was you who reminded me of my strength and my greatness.

But if we were still us, eventually I would break. Because even though I loved you with all my heart, and you loved me, it wasn’t enough. Your demons always seemed to catch up with us. And it always left me drowning trying to save you.

If we were still us, I would have never had a broken heart, and so new light would have never gotten in. I would have never been so angry, desperate and out of control, so I would never have transformed my life.

If we were still us, I wouldn’t have realized my worth. I would have been with someone who only appreciates me when it’s good for them. I wouldn’t have realized how strong I am, how capable I am to get everything in this world that I deserve. When we broke up, I was so lost and scared, but it forced me to rise up, to conquer everything without you, and that has created a new level of living.

If we were still us, I wouldn’t realize that I was settling for someone who doesn’t deserve me.

If we were still us, I wouldn’t have realized that a true love would never put me through and make me feel the same things you did.

Because if you hadn’t done all the things you did, I would have never realized my worth. I would have never realized that I should finally stop settling for anything less than I deserve. I would never realize that a true love would never, ever, make me feel the same things you did.

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Anna Bashkova

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