When You Can't Let Them Go, but You Can't Take Them Back

That’s the worst isn’t it - when you find a person in this life who just gets you so completely, not a day goes by that this person doesn't cross your mind and your soul feels alive, but for whatever reason, you can’t take them back.

Maybe they did something you can’t forgive. Maybe you’ve tried to forgive but you just couldn’t forget. Maybe it got too toxic, too difficult, maybe the timing was just always off, maybe you were both just too young, too stubborn, too complicated.

Maybe before you even knew what was happening, it happened all at once -  fireworks combusting, leaving you both burned and confused.

Whatever the reason was, they hurt you badly. They shattered your trust. You’re still so angry and you can still feel that excruciating pain in your chest and in your throat, the kind that leaves your whole heart, soul and body aching. You don’t want to think about it. You want to move on. And you’ve tried - you’ve gotten close to people, you’ve liked them so much. You’ve met so many amazing, beautiful people, people that aren’t toxic for you, people that would never hurt you, people that truly love you...

And you’ve gotten so close to moving on, but for some reason, something is always off...

You can’t understand why that one person, with all their flaws and edges and demons, has captured your heart so profoundly that you can’t seem to let go. You can’t understand why a person who’s so imperfect made you feel something so perfect, something no one else made you feel before.

Yeah, you’ve heard it all: You cannot move forward with your life with one foot on the brakes. People don’t change. Everything happens for a reason. You get it. You know. You know when someone is selfish, when someone has destroyed you and your happiness once - they will always, always do it again. And so you keep living your life, knowing you can’t them back, but also knowing you can’t let them go.

Knowing that there's that one person out there in this crazy life who you connected with so strongly and so genuinely. A person who will talk to you till the sun comes up, who will hold your hand when it’s damp, because you get nervous when you get vulnerable. A person who will wipe your tears away as your walls come down that you spent years crafting. A person who you didn’t just hang out with, but played. Like two little kids again seeing the world for the first time; and all your fears were gone.

But the same person who multiplied all the good in life, was also the same person who almost broke you. So you keep living, keep moving, never stopping, never wanting to admit that when they left, you lost a part of yourself, too.

Chances are, you both have scars that have never fully healed and likely will never fully heal. Not that you regret any of it. Because meeting them, has changed you forever, and it’s made you, you. 

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Anna Bashkova

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